I Can't Do It

I just can't.  These days when I try to read the political blogs I used to read regularly last year I just can't.  My eyes glaze over and I can't focus my concentration enough to pay attention to what they're saying. 

I can't read Media Matters for America.  I get angry and feel helpless and defeated.  Listening to the news and attempting to participate in political discussions overwhelms me in the same fashion. 

You don't even want to know about the fear and frustration engendered by my recent week in Oklahoma.

I spent so much time and energy on these topics last year.  I talked and wrote and donated money and rang doorbells and helped organize and all that stuff.  I read the  news and the blogs compulsively.  Then came the election and the subsequent depression.  Then I had major surgery in January.  (knee replacement)  It's amazing how much of your time, energy, and attention something like that sucks up.  And my health has been generally poor since the surgery.  Too many colds and infections -- things I don't ordinarily have.

So I've been wondering what to do with this blog.  I just can't do the political stuff at all these days.  Should I give up?  Keep it going as a non-political blog?  The feelings of doubt and guilt have made it more difficult to address these questions and my future plans.  And bottom line?  I still don't know what I'm going to do.  Maybe I'll just let it wither away gradually.

Comments

[punkrockhockeymom]

I completely understand this feeling. Gods, sometimes it's just so disheartening.

I've been playing with the idea of getting a blog like this in addition to the journal, and separating the hockey mom parts out from the raving revolutionary parts. What stops me is that I wonder if it will just be a big waste when I get depressed about all of it and can't concentrate on it long enough to get a good raving rant going.

I hope you keep it, though. I like to look at the books you've got on the side and I like to read what you do post, when you do. It doesn't have to be political. Beads and stuff work for me.

[Laura Gjovaag]

Take a break from it. It's too hard to deal with on a daily basis. And don't feel bad if you stop blogging. You've put in your two cents on-line. You're allowed to stop and go sane for awhile.

[corpuscle]

First, you should of course do whatever feels right for you to do.

Second, I know that I have been blessed (so far) with a brain chemistry that makes me more resistant to depressions than other people. I try not to be Pollyanna, but I am not always successful. I only point that out to make it easier for people to yell at me for being a Pollyanna if I say something that strikes them that way. I apologize in advance because I have no idea what I'm about to say to you. Maybe I will sound like Pollyanna, maybe I won't.

I guess my feeling is that we are all going to croak someday (there goes that Pollyanna in me again!) and so we might as well try to find things that make us as happy as it is possible for us to be for as long as we can. On that theory, I guess I think a blog presents an opportunity for exploring ways to come up with some sort of happiness, no matter how temporary that happiness might be. If your blog is adding to your unhappiness, then I think it would be a good idea to either lay off it, or find a new way to use it.

When I first started, I had delusions of being a Big Shot Blogger. Ha. By now, I pretty much understand I never will be that; I don't have it in me. I don't have the kind of stuff in me that ENTRANCES MILLIONS, or at least hundreds of thousands of people. Once I got all of that, I started feeling like I wanted... well, let me put it this way... I realized it gave me happiness to work on my blog in particular ways... those ways basically amount to: will I find it enjoyable to write a post on that particular thing?

Sometimes I write stuff even I don't get. I just write it because it gives me joy to write it and -- I feel a little bit bad about this, but not enough to stop me from doing it -- I know my small band of loyal readers won't know what the hell I'm on about. The reason they won't know, of course, is because even I don't know what I'm on about. This is one of the reasons why I will never be a Big Shot Blogger, naturally. I just like indulging myself like that. I guess I hope anybody who stops by to read the thing will go: "Hunh." In the same way that I go: "Hunh." Sometimes it might amount to something interesting, sometimes it won't.

I guess all I'm saying is that a blog can be freeing as much as it can be a onerous obligation.

I generally write my entries off-line, in Wordpad, and if I want to share it I paste it in to the "Create a Post" screen. If I don't feel like sharing it, I just put it aside. Maybe I'll feel like sharing it later, maybe I won't. Somehow, that way of doing things relaxes me; it takes the pressure off. It lets me write freely and enjoy myself.

Politics is misery, but politics ain't all of life. Maybe just write whatever you want to write, in a manner that pleases you. Write off-line so you don't have to feel like you are generating some sort of performance for other people. You're just writing to Pleasure Yourself(!) Then if you come up with something you want to share, share it. If you don't, then don't.

Everybody gets depressed in their own way, of course. And everybody finds their own sort of happiness. All I know is that on those occasions when I do get depressed, it's usually because I feel trapped and obligated by a bunch of crap that I (in my brat-like manner) really couldn't care less about.

Writing always has to be fun for me. It doesn't make sense to me to do it unless it is fun. This is why I will never be a Great Writer, of course, but you know what? I'm over that. I'm just into the writing now. Moment to moment. Word by word. Sentence by sentence. Idea by idea.

So I guess what I wanted to say (I know now, because I just wrote it all out) is: if you want to poke around to see if there is a way for your blog to be fun for you, then I'd say give yourself permission to go off the map in any direction you want. If you find someplace interesting, share it, please. If you find yourself in some dull and sense-deadening place, then strike off in another direction. See what's over there. Or, over there.

People aren't happy unless they can find some sort of freedom in their lives. Maybe, like me, your blog could be useful to you for that.

Or, you know, maybe not.

[fidelio]

Do what feels good.
Hey, people blog about knitting, and kitties, and plants, and birds in the backyard.
If you like, blog about beads (shiny things! I love beads! I bought some this weekend with little faces enamelled on them!), miniature roses, glass Christmas ornaments (I'll look and see if they have the dinosaurs again this year), books, really dumb things on TV (other than pundits--I still haven't managed to re-align my tongue after swallowing it upon hearing Lou Dobbs ask Bill Moyers what was wrong with Big Media, that they were failing to find the Really Big Stories), cloud formations, or any other thing that brings you joy. Why blog about things that make you happy? Because they may make others happy as well, and you need some shared joy, instead of more shared stress and grief.

[Elayne Riggs]

I hear you, Mary Kay. I think the burnout may be as much from the proliferation of blogs (many with an "echo chamber" effect) as from real-world frustration with the people currently in power in this country (and their policies). I would like to see your blog continue in whatever form you choose, but not at the cost of your enjoyment of the hobby. Do what makes you happy; if that includes writing here, we'll be here to read it.